The · Life · of · a · California · Girl

So I've been reading a lot lately. I've always know that I've loved to read, but lately it's a good escape. I've been so desperate to get some relief from constant thoughts that have been overtaking my life, so it's amazing finally find some sort of distraction.

I hate feeling like from the moment I wake up, I'm counting down the minutes until I can go back to sleep. There's nothing that makes the in between fulfilling in the least. And even when I'm asleep all the uncertainty and confusion and drama of the day to day finds it's way into my dream existance. The people I try to forget play main roles, the places I long to go are even far off in dreams. It just adds to the discontent. I dont want to be awake because there's nothing motivating each moment, and when I'm sleeping everything I want to avoid finds life in dreams. And if Im not trying find ways to distract myself between ambien induced sleep sessions, Im counting down the seconds until summer. Thats something Im actually looking forward to. I've resolved a lot of things about the pending time off from classes, I'm going to work my ass off at an adult job that I'm going to enjoy. I'm going to take a vacation with the friends that mean most to me and I miss more than anything, and I'm going to find some sort of contentment in all of it. I miss having that old sense of contentment I had a year ago. And while a year ago I didn't appreciate it, I miss it now and I realize how good I had it. Because I may have thought things were uncertain then, but really it's ten times that now. I honestly can't see anything past the present moment. Some might find that enlightening, and even freeing, but I find that exhausting and flat out scary as hell. The fact that I have NO idea or motivation for anything but going back to bed is indescriable for me. I've always been so goal oriented, but everything is so fuzzy now. I thought I knew what I wanted. I had my plan. College, specifically Bethel. Get my degree in _____. Marry a fantastic guy. Have a job. Have kids. But now I'm questioning all that. Is Bethel the right place? And what the hell do I want a degree in? What do I care enought about to go to school for 4 years for? Where is this fantastic guy, because up until this point, I thought I had a good contender, but I guess I was wrong, oh well, move on right? I guess.

The thought has entered my mind more than once that maybe my plan for myself is all wrong. Maybe I'm not supposed to be the suburban soccer mom I thought I was destined to become. Maybe I'm supposed to be one of those urban career types that invests her entire being to work. The type who has her girlfriends and knows those are the only ones she can truly trust. Put romance on the back burner, even though it's always been something I've always longed for. But I guess it's one of those things that if it's supposed to happen it will, and should I really seek it out. Should I just focus on finding out what I'm here for, pursuing my career full force, and pursue spiritual identity at the same time? I don't know. I don't mean to say that I'm going to turn into Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw and move to the city and live in my own vapid existance of Manolo Blahniks and Cosmos until I'm swept off my feet, but I suppose I'm just considering a life I never thought I'd really want. Finding fulfillment in something I never would have seen myself finding fulfillment in. I could be wrong, I could still turn into that soccer mom I deep down want to be so bad. But just the thought of something else, whatever that may mean has been coming to mind so often lately, that I cant help but think that my world is being shaken a bit on purpose. Maybe to knock me off my proverbial horse, maybe just to open my eyes and not be so sheltered, or one track minded. But lately more than any other time in my life I feel as though I'm trying to find something I've never felt the need to search for before. But I don't know what it is. I feel like it's some sort of answers, maybe some sort of fulfillment. I don't know. I hate not knowing. I'm a planner, and if you know me, you know that. So this whole uncertainty thing is not too cool by me. I guess we'll see how it turns out.

But now it's the time I've been waiting for since 9 this morning, bed.

(I'm just going to add a little discliamer... I'm not like suicidal or anything, just a little depressed and a little lost, but hopefully given time it'll all strighten out.)

Well, it's been a while, as always, I forget I have this thing and never write in it. Hmmm a lot has happened since the last time I wrote in this. In 8 weeks I'll be done with my freshman year of college... it's so weird.

It's spring break and I'm home taking in the sun and loving it. Too bad while Im doing that my mind is running a marathon about everything there is to think about in life.

So pretty much I've spent the last week just like thinking about everything and I've decided Im really dissatisfied with everything thats been going on lately in my life. I hate how Ive let stuff happen and fall apart. I just make bad decisions, but I'm good at covering them up. Sweet right? Negative. I hate having so many "what if" feelings and wondering about the future. I hate not being able to let stuff go, I wish I didnt care about things so much, I wish I could just be like screw it and dismiss things, but I cant. It sucks. I hate leaving everything the way it is, having stuff in other peoples hands, and not being able to be the one that makes the desicions, just being the one left to wait. Whatever, I'll get over it eventually, right? I hate caring too much, I wish I could be meaner, and be able to see the bad in people and let that overtake the good. Or I wish I just could gain some perspective and not be so biased. Why is it that no matter how much someone hurts you, all you want is them back in your life? Shouldnt it be the other way around? Shouldnt you never want to see them again? Ugh, whatever.

Okay I dont really have anything else to say. Bye.

So today much of my faith in humanity was restored. Do you ever have encounters with people who just make you feel good about life? Well I had one today. So I got ditched for lunch today because special, considerate girl Angela is, she never called me and told me she was sick and couldn’t meet me for lunch. So I had to eat alone for the first time ever. Haha good thing college isn’t like high school when it comes to eating meals alone. So like halfway through my salad this girl comes and sits down and is like probably the friendliest person I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. She really wanted to be my friend, and was really sweet, not like “oh poor friendless girl let me go do my good deed for the day.” It really was nice. People are good, and that makes me happy.

I’m still sick btw and that makes me angry. I don’t think I’ve ever coughed this much in my whole life. It feels like I rubbed sandpaper all in my throat. Gross.

It gets to be too much sometimes. Being the comic relief that everyone expects, that is. If you are quiet for five minutes everyone assumes you’re sad. I sort of don’t think that people realize that you’re an actual person. Because you make them laugh and keep things interesting, it’s like those people never realize that you can be serious. I don’t know. Just one of those things I guess. Oh something else that made me thing today. Someone said to me “you know you aren’t a very nice person, I used to like talking to you but the more I get to know you the more it’s all sarcasm and insults.” Am I really sarcastic to the point of hurtfulness? I never thought I was, but I guess I’m going to have to rethink some things. I’ve always tried to be someone that is approachable and nice, but I guess some people don’t get that from me and that really sucks and I am severely disappointed with myself.

Oh this just in: I’ve given up on being friends with immature people. I hate I repeat HATE people that twist words and make things said out of caring friendship into something mean and malicious. I’m an adult now and refuse to deal with people that choose to act like children. I’m over it and have had enough. It is a waste of my time for people like this to be a part of my life. They are welcome to come back when they decide to grow up and not be dramatic. UGH people are dumb and I wish that they would grow up and realize that life isn’t going to be sugarcoated anymore. Whatever. I’m done ranting.

Thank Zeus it’s the weekend. That’s all I have to say.

I wish I could play the piano. I know that’s a random opening statement but I just really wish that I had some sort of musical ability. It’s really an admirable talent. Anyways, how are you? I feel like lately I’ve had so much on my mind and it really is frustrating. Half the time I don’t know why I think so much and really what I’m thinking about. It’s kind of silly really.

So just fyi the boys that live on the floor under me are the most inhumane, ass-ish, immature boys ever. Big Edgren Hall news/scandal of the week: dumb boys found a dead squirrel (or maybe they killed it themselves… gross,) skinned it and effing put it on a tree by the building how gross is that. I saw it today and honestly wanted to puke. Aren’t we in college? Sickening. I should call PETA.

Do you ever just feel like your world is crashing and burning around you and there’s nothing you can do to stop it? Not like my life is falling apart or anything but like I don’t know… just stuff with certain people that I care a lot about. It just hurts that they make such bad decisions. Do they realize that all of that is so hurtful to the people that care most about them? I don’t know but like blah…. I was in a funky mood most of the afternoon and then I had a few conversations that depressed me for whole new reasons. I don’t know, it’s just hard being away from certain people. My little sister for example, I’m so used to being her guardian, being the mediator between her and my parents, and just kind of watching her in the areas that parents miss. But now that I’m away I feel like she’s lost that extra eye and it’s taking a toll. It just hurts me to see stuff like that and know that as much as I call or talk to her, that I really can’t do anything to help her out. I know that I’m not always going to be there, but I’d like to think that the time I was made some sort of an impact…

I hate the fact that when you’re waiting for something, it never comes. I checked my PO like 3 times today because I was waiting for a letter from a friend, but of course all 3 times it was empty. Great huh?

It just frustrates me sometimes how I can’t shut off my damn brain. I seriously think everything through 5 times over and it’s a waste of my time and energy. It really sucks being so preoccupied with stuff all the time. I just wonder if people are like me? Do they think about stuff this much or do they live their lives, unexamined and carefree? I know I’m not the only one to be so analytical, but I just feel like sometimes I’m the only one that’s thinking. Contrary to that thought, however, the more I open my eyes and expose myself to new people and listen to them share about their lives I come to realize I’m not he only one with hard stuff in my life, problems that overwhelm me and I feel like I can’t share with anyone. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one with pains. I’m sure there are some with a lot bigger demons than my own, but sometimes it’s just too overwhelming to handle. I just want to sleep it all away. I really like sleeping it’s pretty amazing.

So, I’m still sick. That makes me mad. I hate sickness. All I want to do is sleep but the joy of college classes prevents me from doing that. Whatever it’s almost the weekend and that gives me some hope of a brighter tomorrow. Whatev. I’ll complain and be overly speculative later. I’m too exhausted to be any sort of productive right now. Plus this is probably the longest entry of my life and you probably stopped reading like eight paragraphs ago.

But as an ending note just know that I’m really not sad all the time. I am seriously a really happy girl and I know that I’m blessed, I have amazing friends and family and am so lucky to be where I am and I’m thankful every day. There are just those things in my life that hurt… I choose to write more about those things because this is my place to vent, writing it out is therapeutic and I need therapy for the tough stuff more so than the happy stuff… which I assume makes sense. Whatever I just wanted to clarify the fact that I love life and am not suicidal. Sweet.

College life brings about so many questions. I've had to look at myself so many different ways it's almost sickening. I've spent the last week or so being depressed over something that I have no control over, telling myself that the reason for it all is because I'm just me. But then I think what and who am I? Am I good enough? I dont even know anymore and it's just easier not to think about it. But then I think, well I have to think about it because I'm digging myself deeper into debt with every passing day trying to figure out these questions and make enormous life decisions. It's just silly. I'm like a little girl standing in the Barbie aisle, trying to choose one Barbie out of the 15,000 on the shelves. What should I do with my life? If you have any ideas, please for the love of God let me know!

I'm starting to get fed up with the male gender. It's really time that one of them take an interest. I'm not repulsive. I swear. Plus I'm a great baker and would be an excellent mother (and make out buddy but we don't need to get into that...) It's just that I live on the most intensely love centered campus in America and would like to get into the groove. Plus every freshman boy (well except maybe like 5) is dumb. They have no respect for anyone and are selfish. They think they are so funny when really they are just huge dicks. It's really great to live above an entire floor of boys like this. Jackass kids that throw ice cream at my window while it's open and have the audacity to tell me to go to the library to do my homework because God forbid they should have to turn down their ridiculously loud, floor shaking bass so that I can do my homework in my room. God I hate boys. I really thought we were supposed to be adults in college, but apparently these idiots think that they are still 13 and it's ok to be rude and inconsiderate.

People are just dumb. But if you're lucky, I might like you.

So this weekend is said to be "fall break" but basically I think it's dumb because it's just a glorified 3-day weekend. So for all the little children of Bethel that live 25 minutes away it's just another excuse for them to run back home to mom and pop, whereas the 15 of us that are carless and aren't from Bethel's backyard get to sit on campus for 3 days and contemplate our navels while everything on campus is closed and there is nothing in the world to do. It's pretty dumb. Sometimes I just want to get drunk, but then I remember that I don't do that and it's another 3 seconds of my life wasted.

So, I came to Minnesota under the impression that I was leaving everyone I knew that caused me problems at home. Too effing bad they followed me anyways, either they called me or someone here is like the new version of them. It's great, really. Except for when I wonder when I'm going to have my own life apart from these people. Don't get me wrong, I like them most of the time, but like, really, can I just move to Paris and become Brigitte DuBois and leave what I once was behind for real? Sadly, I don't think it will ever happen for me, but if you're reading this and you have the opporunity and cash to get out, I strongly suggest you do. Move somewhere no one knows you, change your phone number, or just throw away the damn phone and be an artist or a photographer, or just travel the world and not worry about anything. Do it. Just do it for me, because I'm committed to a life of sixteen to twenty years of school, then a marriage that will inevitably lose it's heat after like five years and then I'll just become a work-a-holic. So go, and live La Vie Boheme (a little rent ref. for you jess) for me and I'll love you forever and live vicariously through you.

Actually my life isn't going to be that sad. I'm not a sullen and depressed girl, I just like to pretend sometimes. I know I'm fortunate and blessed and my life will be what I make it. But sometimes those thoughts of a dead end life pop up and I just can't help but wonder what if? What if I end up like my parents? Not that thats horrible, just what if? What if I live in a shack on skid row? what if i get filthy rich and can't make it through the day without a prozac or seven? What if I get a note on the kitchen counter one day saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore." Those things would just make my life sad. I don't want to have a sad life.

I don't like to think so much about the future, but at this point they make me every day. I kinda miss the days when the future was college, but now that I'm there the future is marriage and jobs and kids. Good Lord, do you realize that I could be married anytime within the next four years? A little intense. I seriously feel like I should be playing in the effing sandbox with pebbles in my shoes not knowing the difference between black and white. The day when you realize you have to grow up is sad. And I think that day is today, or if not maybe someday too soon. I have responsiblites now, I have to fill my own perscriptions and pay for my own toothpaste. Thats just silly. But then again that's life, and life's just silly.

But hey, what else is new?